Jacob Lawrence, Flight #1 (1967)

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September 1, 2002:

She plans to move to Australia. To put her past behind her.

I was shocked but, shouldn't have been. Isn't this the same dynamic as always? Try, fail, flee. This time the failure must have been enormous, if she needs to flee half a world.

The thing that's missing here is learning, yes? It's not: try, fail, figure out what happened, try to do better. It's: try, fail, run away, push the thought out of mind. Repress the memory. So that failure in identical ways is all but inevitable next time around.

Will Australia make a difference?

In the short term, yes, I'd predict so. She'll be free to create the identity she feels is disallowed her here.

But the same dynamic will reassert itself. Her new identity will unravel as she's caught lying. People will treat her without respect. She'll confront the fact of this failure, and will find herself out of places to run to. Where will she go when there's no world left? I fear I know.

You told me a story once about past life regression. You'd done it not long before we met, and were still feeling it emotionally. Here's how I remember it. You died alone, without friends, in a lonely place. Exiled? As death came you experienced overwhelming remorse for what you'd done. That you'd utterly failed in that life. This life was your chance to undo that mistake. You weren't going to walk away from your friends this time.

Is this why she's taught herself to be so forgetful?

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