Jacob Lawrence, Another Journey Ended (1967)

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January 1, 2005:

A period of anger.

It's not clear at whom. Myself, I think, most pointedly. That I've allowed myself to be held back almost half a lifetime by misplaced idealization of loyalty in general and of our friendship in particular.

But also at you. I reached a point where I wasn't willing to be put down any more, and once that patience was exhausted I came to re-examine not just present conflicts but much of the history as well. In my eyes it's not a pretty sight. I don't mean to be a martyr but I don't like the way I've been treated.

Those two paragraphs overlap in a specific way. That point where I wasn't willing to be put down any more is itself a point of loyalty and friendship, this time to somebody else. I felt I was being pressured to choose between the two of you and in refusing to make that choice I found a great wellspring of resentment.

This is all to the good. I experience this anger now as a milestone in my long recovery from breakdown and blackness. I feel right to be angry and for the first time in my life that I remember I feel happy to be angry.

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