Jacob Lawrence, Fantasy (1952)

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June 28, 2005:

Re-evaluation of failed relationships. Specifically with two loved ones who've had powerful impacts on my life and on my understanding of evil and good.

I want to reject their influence, making it impossible for them to have any further destructive impact on my life. And yet, I don't want to reject them. Or put them down.

That's the ironic trap. How do you reject someone for putting you down, without putting them down? How do you reject part of a person's identity? Is it possible to salvage relationships based on the positives?

Most likely not. There's no indication that relationships based on positives are interesting to these two. I'm not completely sure they're interesting to me.

Maybe the best beginning is to respect their struggles, acknowledging that all people are flawed and all are damaged to one degree or another.

Yet I'll stress to you now just how hollow that kind of Christlike posturing really seems. I view these two today as abusers and victimizers. Browbeating, intimidating, violent, oppressive. I'm angry over our histories, and I'm comfortable with that anger. I see it as a healthy thing.

Where does this leave us?

Struggling to reach the light, I think.

Hallelujah, brother. And amen.

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