December 7, 2013:

The best times are when I feel I don't exist.

Dissociation from the Planet of Thorns. This is not my life. This is not my life. This is not my life.

Because then there is no time. You move like a ghost through what might be days, or might be something else. You can't see yourself, you can't feel your insides or the reality you do not recognize as your own.

Rationally I know this is the most dangerous mode. "Flat affect": life without emotion. I'm told that for many depressives this is the borderline before suicide. Your entire being has shut down, so that death versus life is not a meaningful choice one way or the other, because the two states are effectively the same.

I know this, but there are times when I can imagine it feeling better to feel nothing. And there are times, I think, when that might be more safe.