September 13, 2018:

She's done with boys.

Bad experience with a younger man. She loved him, things happened, there are reasons. Now she hates him, with a passion similar to what once was love.

She's available now, but despite my affection for her I find myself not romantically drawn. Perhaps because I myself am not available right now. More, I think, that in the meantime I've become familiar with her addiction.

She says, she's a happy/weepy drunk, not a brawler. I believe that, but it's frightening nevertheless.

That there's a change of personality. Loss of self, invasion by emotions which can be neither controlled nor otherwise expressed. With the obvious question: which is the real her?

Plus the lack of reliability which is inevitably a corollary to any addiction. She breaks nearly all of our plans together. I don't, so that in the end I'm lonely and isolated, in exactly the way that acts as my worst depression trigger.

So. I'll invite her to lunches, and if she makes it she makes it and if she doesn't she doesn't, where I'll be fine either way. With my friends the restaurant staff at lunch, with other plans with other girls for dinner and later.

Best of all, with my sweet gf for later.