July 25, 2019:

I don't know why I agreed. I suppose because she was cute, very brilliant, fun, often exceptionally kind. Plus she wanted me, she appeared to like me genuinely, unqualified good things under the circumstances.

So I agreed, we were together a while, I don't think I ever loved her although there were moments when I believed I did. I was a pig to her, she was a mooch, we broke up.

Her mooching bothered me, ultimately enough that I chose to be rid of it. But she had very many positive qualities which deserve to be called out. For one thing she was effusive about my music, an unqualified good. She was generous with encouragement and I'm ever grateful.

She taught me an important life lesson. She was able to say, "That hurt my feelings," with naturalness, without self-consciousness. I could never have said that before observing her. I could share positive emotions but I could never let on that something had wounded me. Instead it would come out sideways in one or another destructive behavior. Her example was revelatory.

She didn't stay in touch. Didn't stay friends, didn't answer my Christmas cards. I wanted to. I wanted to stay close with all my exes. I wouldn't have gotten with them if I didn't care for them. Maybe she was right though to decline those offers, 'cos maybe in fact I really didn't care that much for her. I still don't know why I agreed.