April 10, 2018:

I want it to be real.

But, it feels exaggerated. That, perhaps, she's trying too hard?

It would mean the relationship's important to her. But also that the closeness I crave isn't true, or not entirely.

There's always so much mystery when you're hoping to be emotionally tied to someone. What is she thinking? Does he really like me? Am I too old, or too fat? What does it mean when she says xyz? Why doesn't he call?

For me I suppose it comes down to reliability. Will she truly be there when I need her? Can I count on her? Will she keep her commitments?

Probably it's the same for her.

I know why she needs the relationship. I'm able to be helpful to her. I can bring financial and experiential resources to her life which she'd not find without me.

But, I want it to be more. To be real. To be based on affection that's genuine, lust that isn't forced.

Things would be so much easier if I weren't the fool I am.