January 3, 2021:
I remember the first morning, sitting inside the locked screen door wailing. In panic at being abandoned. Not understanding. That must have been so difficult for her. That day at work must have been impossible. How to focus on tasks when you left your child wailing in panic?
I don't know what she did between divorce and that day.
Her upright piano, rented. Her playing, her singing Irish songs. Her college homework on the kitchen table — mixing colors.
I feel optimism in those memories. Her adult life still before her. When did that change? When she lost her friendship with the bestie who patronized and dominated her?
At some point she retreated inward in defeat. Maybe it was when she gave up school. School plus work plus child, too much? When was that? Before Clairemont.
There are no happy memories of her in Clairemont. Right now I can't think of one. Every happy memory is of La Mesa, before the move came.