August 28, 2021:

When our eyes locked, and I knew, and I chose to let it go.

She was so beautiful, and so fragile, and I'd have crushed and ruined her then and forever, in my anger and addiction and destructive nihilistic disregard.

She'd have been good for me. I'd have ruined her life. So that in that instant I chose to do good, by simply letting the moment pass.

It was then that I ruined my looks. I grew an ugly, scruffy pony tail. Gained twenty pounds. Stopped showering, or washing my clothes. It was all about keeping people away — keeping women away — determined to hurt no-one, and not to be hurt. In a moment of life when I felt betrayed by sex.